Living to Die

Dear Diary,

When another Korean actress killed herself last September, someone commented that "She had everything and she chose to take her own life? Some people are very spoiled ... sorry to say. But she had money to afford the best scycologists [sic] money could buy. As I said too spoiled".

Tonight, for some unknown reason, I feel the same as she. Actually, I don't know her situation. She was famous a long time ago, but had long faded from the spotlight and people's memories. Maybe she didn't have everything as this guy just assumed. But, I can tell you that I may not have everything, but I have enough compared to other people in the world.

If I died tomorrow (well, today as it's after midnight), one could say I had had a lot of experiences. I went to private schools from middle school until university. I traveled, both around the US and the world. I made a lot of choices to do what I wanted - or thought I wanted - at the time. I was even engaged once and had fully planned two or three weddings (he kept changing what he wanted after I had already made contact with vendors and locations, so yeah, I planned more than one wedding for just one wedding). And suddenly, I just told myself I wanted to die.

It's true though. I want to die, but I can't by my own morals. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I don't want my parents, who did their best to give me everything, to suffer the emotional loss of having to bury their child. So, I can't die. Even though I want to.

I don't see the point of life. There's nothing to it. I don't have a boyfriend or a husband. I don't have children. I see my extended family and friends, living their lives and making their own families. Honestly, I don't feel the need for a boyfriend and don't particularly want to make an effort to find someone. I'm not lonely, but having a husband and family of my own would give me a reason to live.

Hopefully my parents live a few more decades (at least three), but when they do pass ... I will have no reason to live. I'm sure I'm not brave enough to commit suicide, so I'll just be an empty shell ... living because I can't die. How depressing is that? Just living because you're unable to die?

I just want to give up on life. It sounds so good to just lay everything down and walk away. I feel sorry for all the young Koreans who haven't realised that having a family really is everything.

*~Lili~*

P.S. Happy belated New Year. Hah.

Death

 Dear Diary,

I have a problem. In the fall under certain conditions, I feel super nostalgic. You know how people say smells take them back to the past? I'm like that with skin. When my skin feels certain conditions, I'm transported to another time. Tonight, I listened to the music from middle and high school and was transported to my youth. It was before a dance ... probably my first one on 25 September 1998. It was Homecoming. My first dance partner was Brad Hall (an adoptee from Latin American ... but I didn't know that at the time). Even though I'm here in Korea with nothing about my place the same as my room at the time, I felt almost as if I could reach out and grab it, grab the past, and go back in time. I wish I could. I regret so much in my life. I wish I had a direction. I wish I had a dream. I wish I had something I wanted to do with my life. I wish I actually studied in school instead of just float by. My grades weren't too bad actually, but ... starting in college, they were atrocious. And why not? It's not like I ever learned to care about grades. There was no reaction from my parents. They didn't pressure me all the time about grades, but if I got a B, Dad wouldn't say I did a good job or that he was proud of me. I'm not sure I've ever heard him say that - even after getting my master's. He shows it in a different way - with actions. But, when you're a kid, hearing that you're not trying and didn't do the best I could with A's and B's ... hearing that my parents were proud of me would have made me realise there was a value to grades instead of making me feel like I was never good enough. 

Anyway ... when I start feeling this nostalgia, I get in a bad mood. Maybe it's because I can't do anything about it. It's the past. I can't go back to that time and choose a major I was passionate about (mainly cuz there wasn't anything I was passionate about - I had no dream after all). For whatever the reason, I don't feel great. I start thinking about how I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to leave my parents because I know I'm their whole life and it would break them if I were to die, and I can't kill myself because I'm afraid of pain. Even if your knife or whatever is sterilised, even if you don't feel the first cut, at some point your nerves will kick and be like "PAIN PAIN PAIN!!!" Anytime I've accidentally hurt myself (like the time when Mom changed her razor and I didn't know so I shaved off my shin skin or the time I cut the baguette in my hands instead of the cutting board and almost sliced my index finger off), that's how it was. But I get to this point where I'm just so tired and want to put everything down. I just want to disappear into thin air. I feel like my future holds nothing, so what's the point? I was just a tool, put on this planet to bring people together (lovers, friends, etc.) and/or make them happy. I was given a good hand by being adopted by my parents. They gave me everything and I was never left wanting anything, but I don't feel happy. I might feel momentary happiness, but I'm never happy. One of my friends says I'm so pitiful because I'm always alone and must be lonely. Whenever she says that, I get so angry. Honestly, I don't feel lonely - even if I am. I just feel empty. Like nothing's inside; no one's home. Just an empty can.

"The Undertaker" by Lili
The fall breeze sweeps through,
Carried to a young girl's past.
Upon exit, life dies.

*~Lili~*

Snob

 Dear Diary,

I was just reminded of how much of a snob I've become. I'm sure that when I was a kid, while I could be super bossy, I was not snobby. Compared to my middle and high school classmates, I'm fairly certain I was not a snob. However, they seemed like it because they were all super rich - my state's 1%. Next to them, I was pretty poor ... but it's only been in the last decade that I've realised how well-off I was growing up. It's been an even shorter time that I've realised that I actually look down on a lot of people. When did that even happen?

Just now, I was looking at a job in Busan - a university job, which is what I want, but then I started thinking about all the good (and annoying expensive) food Seoul has to offer. I'm sure Busan has good food, but to me ... I have this view that Busan, Korea's second biggest city, and its suburbs don't compare to Seoul and its suburbs. I'm not even Korean, so why do I have this view? Why do I think my biological half-sister, Sujin Kim; my nieces and nephew, Eunseo, Gyeongmin and Minseol (or Minseo? I haven't met her, so I'm not sure); and my only (that I know of) maternal cousin, Miseong, live as country bumpkins when Busan is a thriving city?

I'm not sure what happened, but clearly something did. This isn't even my country, yet I have the old-fashioned (like early 1990s) thought that anything outside of Seoul is just countryside. Even before this drama, I'm pretty sure I felt that way since I lived in Suwon back in 2010.

But who knows? I don't. I just know that I wasn't like this before.

*~Lili~*

Change

 Dear Diary ...

As always, I start a blog and, after a few days, stop. ^^

It's not that I get bored, but ... I've forgotten what a routine is. As a grad student, there really isn't much of a routine. Now, as I search for a job after graduating at the wrong time in life, my days are filled with chaos. Not bad things, but ... just ... not a routine at all, except wake up and play games. Which games, though, vary as does the amount of time I spend playing. So ... yeah ... I need to work on having a routine, but with nothing to look forward to in life, it's hard.

I mean ... even if I hate working, I look forward to a paycheck, but as an unemployed bum ... yeah ... I don't have a reason to get up in the morning. I don't have a reason to keep up with self-care as much as I would when working (I mean, I still take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc., but I might not be so great with clothes).

Sigh. And it's humid as f***. It's basically midnight, and it's 81 outside (that's 27.2 for anyone who isn't American), but the RealFeel temp ... at midnight ... is 90 (32.2). I have a fan blowing directly on me and feel as sticky as a flytrap. Gross. Just an hour ago, it was 81 and felt like 92 (33.3), so at least the humidity is lessening ... but not at a rate that I appreciate.

Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 90 (32.2) with a RealFeel of 100 (37.8). Not looking forward to that.

Anyway, having heard recently that writing is good for destressing, so will try to write more. I can't really whine to people I know - somehow I don't feel comfortable whining cuz then I look like a baby ... or a whiny b**** ... or an overprivileged Asian who hasn't experienced hardships or something like that ... so, I'll whine here. The previous posts haven't been viewed ... ever ... so I think this is a safe place to whine.

Until next time (which is hopefully soonish) ...

*~Lili~*

Edit: Just kidding. Apparently, there have been 10 views since February. Not sure how many of those were me (you used to be able to tell Google not to count you ... but I can't find the option for that now). I'm pretty sure I'm 6 of those 10 though. XD

Cluster Fudge

Dear Diary,

What a mess. Coronavirus 2019 is running rampant in Korea. Who knows if they have it or not. I'm becoming more and more tempted to go to a hospital and get myself tested. Just to be 100% certain that I don't have it. I have a cough, but no aching muscles (well, only because I played basketball for 40 minutes when I'm usually a totally sedentary person ... and I know that's what it is because my body only ached after that day), no mucus in my cough, no fever, no other symptoms that resemble pneumonia. BUT I don't just stay inside and watch the $h¡t show that has come to Korea. I have gone out so that I don't go completely crazy, and symptoms don't show for a maximum of two weeks ... so that's two weeks one could be going about their daily life without knowing. Two weeks you are in close contact with friends, family, coworkers and the occasional random stranger. Two weeks you could be passing it to any and everyone you meet.

Using Corona Live, I can see all the key people. (Headlines altered for grammar.)

"Confirmed case. Prison officer, who was in contact with 82 prisoners, is put in an isolation cell without getting any medical checks." ~23:00 on 27 Feb [The headline doesn't mention 54 colleagues the officer was also in contact with.]

"Alarm in National Security. Confirmed cases amount to twenty-five in military base" ~22:00 on 27 Feb

"Corona 19 confirmed case. Blood donation nurse who visited Goyang, Paju police station and 'emergency' military unit" ~19:00 on 27 Feb

"29-year-old female, a confirmed patient, visited Mapo District Office" Also ~19:00 on 27 Feb

 "Female in 20s in Nowon District (northern Seoul) has been confirmed. Her boyfriend took CPA (Certified Public Accountant) test [This is a national test, so people from all over the nation could have been there.] on the 23rd" ~13:00 on 27 Feb

"[Songpa District] Delivery guy (Baemin Food Delivery) is confirmed to have Coronavirus" Before 23:00 on 26 Feb

Plus, all the docs who are now getting it and the hospitals that already had cases of it, like Eunpyeong Seongmo Hospital in Seoul. I wonder if it came in through that 9,000ish-member cult church. The one that was getting a lot of the blame, Patient #31, couldn't have known that she had it when she went to a church "service" that was also attended by another thousand members, but ... now we're 1,766 cases in with another 25,568 people waiting for their test results to come out. With the headlines above, I imagine that it could rise more. A lot more. People are only being tested if they show symptoms or believe they were in contact with a publicised case. But what about those who don't have symptoms that actually do have it? The ones who are unknowingly spreading it? Maybe we should all just get tested. Too bad the labs will probably take too long with a population of 51,629,512 (2018 figure from the National Statistical Office) if it's taking this long to test the 64,886 suspected cases (39,318 were negative).

Two of those church members were diagnosed recently and quickly were discharged. So quickly that I wonder if there was a problem in the test. Either they didn't have it (false positive) or they still have it (false negative). In the worse case of the two, they could be continuing to spread it, even at this moment (okay, not at THIS moment since it's after 2 am).

Surreal times.

*~Lili~*

45 Days until Easter

Dear Diary,

My biological mother has some nerve. In July 2017, she told me some story about my biological father being a married man. I'm not sure that is true as the story she told (or supposedly told ... I heard a lot of adoption agencies made stuff up) me is quite different from the story in my file.

Anyway, after that, she didn't contact me. Since we originally didn't contact each other very much anyway, it took me eleven months to realise that I hadn't heard from her in a while. I contacted her in July, a year after our last contact, asking her how she's been. She read the message, but did not reply. After a few days, I realised that she wasn't going to get back to me.

With Coronavirus raging, I thought I should ask her if she's doing okay, implying that I was asking because of the virus. She responded pretty quickly, saying she was fine and asking where I was. When I didn't respond (or even read it technically - yay for previews), she messaged me again in the afternoon saying that she was waiting for me.

I can't believe it. I didn't hear from her for a year, so I tried to contact her. She hasn't messaged me for nearly 3 years and says SHE was waiting for ME? Insane.

I'm hoping that 23andMe does another sale soon so that I can buy a kit and get us tested. We've never had a DNA test, so we don't even technically know if she's my mom. I mean, I had her citizenship number in my file, so you'd think that was good enough evidence, but ... I want it confirmed. When I go and test her, I will ask her about my father again. I will ask for the whole story, including his name and age at the time of their relationship ... I heard hometown is important, too. She told me before if I went looking for him that she would cut off our relationship. Well, if our relationship is not talking for three years, that sounds pretty cut to me. After I try to get all that information from her, I will cut off our relationship cleanly.

She just makes me so angry now. I used to find her slightly uncomfortable because she's just some Korean ajumma to me. We couldn't really communicate verbally or culturally either. But now ... I'm really done with her. I didn't even want to meet her in the first place. I wasn't curious about her at all. God or Destiny or whatever you want to call it played a hand in that, making us meet. ASJDFLK.

*~Lili~*

President Mun Jaein

Dear Diary,

How sad. Someone made an unreasonable petition to impeach Mun earlier this month because they thought he didn't do enough against the Chinese entering the country. I say "unreasonable" because at the time of its creation, Mun was right - the virus would probably be gone by March. The numbers with it were going down. People were leaving the hospital cured. It was great.

But, unfortunately, it's not unreasonable now. Mun could not have predicted that some crazy Christian cult with over 9000 members would have a member get it and then spread it when she went to a church meeting with 1000 other members. However, it happened and now the petition is quite valid. I personally think impeachment is a bit too extreme when compared to Trump's recent impeachment in the House, but not the Senate.

Still, 848,249 Koreans have signed it at this point. That's a lot of angry Koreans. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

Petition to Impeach President Mun

*~Lili~*

Ash Wednesday 2020

Dear Diary,

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent 2020. As you know, I have given up social networking sites, like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I'm not really sure if blogs count or not ... The definition I read seemed to imply that a social community would come about from the site. Since I have not shared this URL with anyone (at this moment anyway) and have disabled comments ... would this be considered a community??

In any case, when deciding what to give up for Lent, I decided on Facebook (I have both Twitter and Instagram, but don't really use either since they were introduced in my 20's) because nowadays, it seems really toxic. People can't comment on news stories or anything public without being attacked - even when your original comment was neutral. With my personality, I have to argue with anyone who comments on my comments (I say argue, because somehow they argue with my comment - even the neutral ones). For the most part, I know they are just trying to get a reaction out of me and I should just forget it, but I can't help but reply. Especially with COVID 19 running rampant in Korea, I feel like I have nothing to do all day in my apartment except be on social media and watch Korean dramas. I'm hoping to get some stuff done and be more analog. I guess I could be writing this out instead of typing it, but ... I guess I prefer typing as a medium versus writing. Probably anyone born in the mid-1980s or after would feel the same way. Plus, my handwriting is really terrible.

So, I will be on here often to say what I want to say. Somehow talking to oneself is probably frowned upon. Don't want to get into a habit of that, especially once the spring semester starts. Can you imagine if the person next to you just constantly talks to herself out loud? No bueno.

Unsurprisingly, I made this new blog quickly to express something ... but now I've forgotten. It was probably about COVID 19, no? Anyway, I'll write to you again later.

*~Lili~*