Living to Die

Dear Diary,

When another Korean actress killed herself last September, someone commented that "She had everything and she chose to take her own life? Some people are very spoiled ... sorry to say. But she had money to afford the best scycologists [sic] money could buy. As I said too spoiled".

Tonight, for some unknown reason, I feel the same as she. Actually, I don't know her situation. She was famous a long time ago, but had long faded from the spotlight and people's memories. Maybe she didn't have everything as this guy just assumed. But, I can tell you that I may not have everything, but I have enough compared to other people in the world.

If I died tomorrow (well, today as it's after midnight), one could say I had had a lot of experiences. I went to private schools from middle school until university. I traveled, both around the US and the world. I made a lot of choices to do what I wanted - or thought I wanted - at the time. I was even engaged once and had fully planned two or three weddings (he kept changing what he wanted after I had already made contact with vendors and locations, so yeah, I planned more than one wedding for just one wedding). And suddenly, I just told myself I wanted to die.

It's true though. I want to die, but I can't by my own morals. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I don't want my parents, who did their best to give me everything, to suffer the emotional loss of having to bury their child. So, I can't die. Even though I want to.

I don't see the point of life. There's nothing to it. I don't have a boyfriend or a husband. I don't have children. I see my extended family and friends, living their lives and making their own families. Honestly, I don't feel the need for a boyfriend and don't particularly want to make an effort to find someone. I'm not lonely, but having a husband and family of my own would give me a reason to live.

Hopefully my parents live a few more decades (at least three), but when they do pass ... I will have no reason to live. I'm sure I'm not brave enough to commit suicide, so I'll just be an empty shell ... living because I can't die. How depressing is that? Just living because you're unable to die?

I just want to give up on life. It sounds so good to just lay everything down and walk away. I feel sorry for all the young Koreans who haven't realised that having a family really is everything.

*~Lili~*

P.S. Happy belated New Year. Hah.